


Unhappy

by sinfuldesire_archivist



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, During Canon, Established Relationship, First Time, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-10-07
Updated: 2008-10-07
Packaged: 2018-09-03 10:55:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8709697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinfuldesire_archivist/pseuds/sinfuldesire_archivist
Summary: Dean thinks maybe change, could be a good thing.Unbeta'd - all mistakes are my own.Disclaimer: I own nothing recognizable - this pertains to the lyrics (Thriving Ivory's) and Supernatural stuff.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the Sinful Desire archivists: this story was originally archived at [Sinful-Desire.org](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Sinful_Desire). To preserve the archive, we began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2016. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Sinful Desire collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sinfuldesire/profile).

  
He paused, listening to the song that just came on. The melody reminded him of Sam in a way that made him ache. In a fit of masochism he leaves the dial where it is and settles to listen to the song. He smiles a little at the thought of Sammy, before that smile vanishes at the lyrics.  
 _She takes her clothes off and she says, “Is it alright if I stay the night?”_

_I don't remember what I said, is it alright?_  
That reminded him a little to closely of Cassie. He closes his eyes for a brief, brief moment in pain before he stares hard at the road vanishing beneath his baby’s tires. He tried not to think about how much of a cluster fuck that had been. He’d been able to pretend, just pretend, those few short months that he could be normal. He scoffed at that thought, gripping the wheel tighter.  
 _Well she's gone when I awake, left a letter -_

_saying “everything was a mistake”, and I'm alone._  
That was his MO, leaving before the sun’s up. But not with her, never with her. No, but that’s what she’d done to him. Left him a letter explaining she could never understand or accept the life he led, and to please leave hers. At least that taught him what he got for channeling Sammy’s ‘sharing and caring’ vibes.  
 _But it's alright, ‘cause I understand;_

_I could tell everything's not fine, it's never alright - to push away._  
He knew he’d been at fault – for leading the charade on as long as he had. To involve a civilian for more than a night, for more beyond the hunt. But dammit, he’d wanted something that he thought, that he prayed, she could be for him. But wasn’t that a mistake in itself? Allowing his denial of his own hateful sins make him think it was possible, it was worth it?  
He curses under his breath and jacks the volume up and steps on the gas just a little more. He needs to make it to the next town before he’ll feel safer, so he lets his baby get him there and lets his mind wander.  
 _I’m not as blind as you may think and I’m tired of all that is,_

_and I know that this time it's not all in my head._  
Oh, he hated when songs read his mind. That had been a big problem with Cassie, she knew when he was faking it, playing stupid to get out of reality. And she’d just been giving him proof of his own insanity when ever she screamed at him about his brother and his dad and his life. But man, hadn’t he tried? He’d tried to be what she needed, what she wanted.  
He’d done the romance and the talking and the closeness that scared the fuck out of him when it came to anyone other than his baby brother. He’d made himself vulnerable with her, talked to her and he’d tried, so hard.  
 _You look a little unhappy about the way the world is turning._

_Is there anything I could do to take your mind off your trouble, hard and kind?_

_And she said maybe, just maybe - you wont end up like him._  
But it hadn’t been enough. Or it had been fake. Or _something._ Because she’d made him leave. And it felt like Sammy all over again, only this time instead of feeling like he was watching his life walk out on him – it felt like he’d failed to be worthy of that life. 

Like if he couldn’t make it with _Cassie_ , how the hell was he going to convince his _brother_ to give it a go? If he couldn’t ever attain happiness past an endless string of one night stands and cheap pleasure – how was he going to be able to prove to _Sam_ he was worth it?  
 _It's just another day, its cold and I’m losing myself inside -_

_the colors on the wall are all faded;_  
And wasn’t that the kicker right there though? Dean scowled at the road, the barebones and skeletal landscape burned white by the high, full moon over head.  
He would never be good enough for Dad, and he would never, ever be good enough for Sam. His darlin’ baby brother who held so much of his being that Dean was afraid of ever going _near_ him again. He knew he’d give himself away, he just knew it. And then Sam would hate him, if he didn’t _already._  
It was _amazing_ how a few words melted with a pretty melody could tear him to shreds. Dean huffed a sigh and shook his head, apologetically petting the wheel he’d been clenching.  
 _And all that’s left is a hope for another day that's not cold again, again._

_And it's a shame – oh, yeah._

_And I know that this time it's not all in my head._  
Dean blinked for a moment, listening to that. He thought back to the last time he’d heard from Sam and then realized he was listening to the song Sam had told him he should. And then he laughed, fighting off the burning in his eyes and shook his head.  
Sammy always knew him so godamned well sometimes that it frightened him. Both of them really. And that had been the thing with Cassie, it was like they were two circuits that would never connect, forever open on one end and expending energy to touch but always failing.  
 _You look a little unhappy about the way the world is turning._

_Is there anything I could do to take your mind off your trouble, hard and kind?_

_And she said maybe, just maybe - you wont end up like him._  
In the end, they’d _both_ tried – probably too hard. He sees his exit and pulls off, looking around the ghostly road for a sign for a bed. And maybe a diner nearby too.  
Cassie had needed something less wild and much more stable, much more…something Dean _wasn’t._  
 _Must been around midnight, there’s a ghost at the door._  
And Dean? Well, Dean needed that freakishly tall, floppy haired kid brother who never needed a manual to get him. To know how to understand him, or to put him back together. Who had, despite all their difference, accepted him unconditionally because he loved him. Simple as that.  
 _(And hadn’t Sammy been one hell of a ghost between him and Cassie? That was for fucking sure.)_  
 _She said please go slowly, ‘cause we’ve all been here before._  
Problem with Cassie’s love was that it had conditions, terms, regulations. It had lines and boxes and if those were crossed or broken then it was a wrap right then, because she had her ideas and they were her’s and she would never change.  
Much like Dean, really. She'd expect so much, too much really - when the only person he could possibly give that to was thousands of miles west in Palo Alto. Much like Dean was most of the time, there with that boy who'd had him from the get go - mentally and emotionally if never physically.  
He pulls into the parking lot of a little place on the outskirts of town and sits listening to the rest of the song. Thinking, for the first time in a long time, about Sammy with nothing but love and hope in his head and heart.  
 _She takes her clothes off and she says, “Is it alright if I stay the night?”_

_I don't remember what I said, and is it alright?_

_And I know that this time it's not all in my head._  
Dean sighed and tilted his head back and closed his eyes and pictured his darlin’ – tall and lanky, just barely seventeen and laughing. Cat-eyes glistening green and white teeth gleaming in the sun – they’d had a good summer at that house on the beach. Some strange haunting and a few witches. One of the rare times Dad had stayed in one place for maybe a little too long.  
But it had been happy, it had been free and unconditional and so fucking awesome that Dean fiercely wished they could go back to that time. He’d change, make it different. Right wrongs with that stupid darlin' bitch of his.  
 _You look a little unhappy about the way the world is turning._

_Is there anything I could do to take your mind off your trouble, hard and kind?_

_And she said maybe, just maybe - you wont end up like him._  
He nodded and turned off the car. He slid out and straightened his jacket.  
He could change – for Sammy? He would.

_fini_


End file.
